No, this isn’t a joke. And no, dolphins don’t order Domino’s for game night. It’s a real job for human people. You can actually get paid to dive into the ocean to deliver a delectable hot and fresh pizza to underwater residents. The world really is a strange and magnificent place.
In the lovely state of Florida, there is an underwater hotel that is open to the public. At Jules’ Undersea Lodge, you can enjoy an overnight stay in the ocean for the low price of $900 per person. If you would like to bring a large device to your room, such as an iPad or a computer, the fee starts at $150. So, if you wanted to literally sleep with the fishes in an underwater hotel room with your iPad, that’s a grand total of $1,050. Geez. To put it into perspective, a one-day trip to Disney World for one is only about $105.
On the bright side, the lodge offers pizza delivery, which may distract you from your drained bank account. One of the hotel’s pizza delivery professionals is named Rob Doyle. It’s Rob’s job to put on the scuba gear and swim through the treacheries of Davy Jones’s locker to bring you your precious pepperoni. Rob says, “I don’t think there’s anybody else on this planet that delivers pizza the way I deliver pizza.” The man definitely makes a valid point. Rob begins his work day by driving close to the location of the delivery, then suiting up and placing the pizza inside a watertight briefcase. Rob then dives in and swims to the customer’s hotel room, where he can access it through an airlock. Believe it or not, underwater pizza delivery is not the only service Rob provides. If you are in an underwater location and need an item delivered, you can call Rob and he will bring it to you.
This is definitely a weird job. But, if you love scuba diving and pizza delivery is your passion, send in your application now. Maybe I’ll see you delivering my Detroit-style with extra cheese and sausage under the cover of the deep blue sea. Then again, I would never pay $1,000 for one night in a hotel.
Oh boy. On Nov. 12, 2021, Home Sweet Home Alone was released on Disney+. As a die-hard fan of the original, I decided to watch this movie on a Saturday afternoon with nothing better to do. I’ll admit it, I went into this with pretty low expectations considering the track record of remake movies. However, I was left even more horrified than I could have ever possibly imagined. So, in the spirit of Christmas, let’s talk about everything wrong with Home Sweet Home Alone. (Before we start, there will be spoilers in this article, so do not read any further if you do not want to read about the plot.)
There are two original Home Alone movies, not counting the other three Dollar Store additions which we don’t talk about. So, technically, this is the sixth installment in the series. I mean, I think it’s a cool idea to remake a classic into a more modern interpretation, but this movie is just really really stupid. According to Claudia R., an enraged viewer, “It’s an abomination to society!”
Diving right in, let’s meet our main characters. First, we have Jeff and Pam McKenzie, your average middle-class married couple. They are trying to sell their house because Jeff has just lost his job and Pam’s salary is not enough to keep their house. On top of that, Jeff’s super rich and snobby older brother, his wife, and their painfully annoying son are coming to stay with them for Christmas.
During Jeff and Pam’s open house, we meet our other main character, Max, aka the Kevin of this movie. Max and his mom stop by because Max has to pee and he just can’t wait 30 seconds. They have a brief conversation with Jeff and Pam in which Jeff shows them a box of old dolls, including a defective one. Max’s mom says that dolls that have defects can be sold for a lot of money. After that, Max and his mom return to their own house. Max’s family is preparing to leave for Tokyo for the holidays. Max is annoyed with everything and, being the childish brat he is, storms off to go sleep in the garage.
First problem, Max is literally the worst main character in the history of main characters. He’s a little hobgoblin whose hobbies include pouting when people don’t pay attention to him and making the people watching at home want to yeet him off of a cliff.
While Max is watching Looney Tunes in his BMW, Jeff is looking online to see how much his old, defective doll is really worth. Turns out, it’s a lot of money. Jeff, hoping to save his family’s home, then goes into his box of dolls to try and find his doll. It’s nowhere to be found. Naturally, he assumes Max took it, because that makes a lot of sense, right?
Going back to Max, he wakes up to an empty house because his family left him. Oh dear, what is he to do? Just like the original movie, Max has the time of his life eating junk food, dancing around the house, and enjoying his alone time. Meanwhile, Jeff and Pam are plotting to steal the doll back from Max’s house. Okay, more problems. First, why is Jeff assuming Max took the doll? Like, it could’ve just fallen out of the box or something. Second, breaking into someone’s house to steal something that you don’t even know they took is extremely idiotic. Third, there are so many other solutions to their problems, like, I don’t know, maybe Jeff could get a job? We’re not even 20 minutes in and I already want to rip the TV out of the wall.
Continuing on, Jeff and Pam sneak onto Max’s property to steal their doll. Frightened, Max calls the police. You’ll never guess what happens next. The police come, and the officer who steps out of the car is none other than Buzz McCallister, Kevin’s older brother in the original movie. Okay, I don’t know why they decided to include Buzz. Sure, it’s cool, but it wasn’t necessary. They make such a dramatic moment about it, but it does nothing for the story and he has, like, two lines. Anyway, Buzz lets them off, and they go home.
Later, Jeff and Pam sneak onto Max’s property again. Max overhears them plotting and decides to set up traps. Then, we get the montage of Max making the Rube Goldberg machine just like the original movie.
Jeff and Pam get there for their final attempt on Christmas Eve. Like geez, these guys are wimps. Can’t they just get it over with in one blow? Jeff and Pam then go through Max’s traps and we get that “funny” scene of them basically getting murdered. Now, in the original movie, this scene was good just because we all wanted the robbers to get what they deserved. Marv and Harry were just pure evil, so it was kind of funny to see them get battered and tattered. But Jeff and Pam are just two regular people who want to save their house and make a better life for their kids. When you think about it that way, it’s not as fun to see them get burned alive. Plus, the little spawn of Satan, Max, is happily watching these poor people being tortured and pleading for their lives. What a sweet little boy.
Jeff and Pam end up coming face to face with Max, where we get the scene that enrages me the most. MAX DIDN’T EVEN STEAL THE DOLL! Turns out, it was Jeff’s nephew who took it from the box! So, Jeff and Pam’s whole elaborate heist was for nothing. Anyway, they clear up the misunderstanding and become friends with Max.
Alright, we’re getting into the home stretch. The next year, Jeff and Pam invite Max and his mom over for Christmas dinner. Jeff and Pam were able to save their house, big surprise. They didn’t even sell the doll; Jeff just got a job. Wow, what a revolutionary idea, don’t know why he couldn’t have just DONE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Now comes my final problem with this movie, the message. In the original movie, we get this heartfelt scene at the end where Kevin is with his family and he learns that he should never take them for granted. In Home Sweet Home Alone, the message is really just that if you have lots of money, everything will be fine. Not a great lesson for kids, huh?
In conclusion, this movie doesn’t even deserve to be called a part of the Home Alone series. It’s just SO BAD. If you’re going to try and remake one of the best Christmas movies of all time, at least do a good job. I threw so many pillows at the TV, I had to go to Target and get more! Okay, Merry Christmas, and be sure no one breaks into your house to steal back something you never took in the first place!